Monday, March 26, 2012
Sunday, December 04, 2011
I am making changes.
Changes for the better.
I will get through this.
A whole new me.
I am starting to feel excited.
What has happened/is happening has changed me but I won't let it change me for the worse.
It is time for me to move on.
So I am moving.
One foot at a time.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Within my four walls I allowed myself to think of what could be, but now what could have been never will. It is the never will that consumes me in here.
I think about the day I walked in the door from that first doctor’s appointment and I knew it was over. I knew it in my soul. My mom knew too. I remember sitting on the couch crying on the phone with her crying those same tears.
When I walk in the door I think about all the tears I cried.
It is in these four walls that I was sick. There was unimaginable pain here. I was angry here. I was sad here. It is here where I have experienced the worst; here I am my worse.
I want out of this place. I mean that in the physical, mental, and emotional sense. I need to start over. I want to start over. A complete and total overhaul.
I need a new set of four walls. Ones that don’t hold the past and what could have been. Ones that only know the future. I admit I don’t know what that future looks like anymore. I just know that I can’t move onto that future here.
Some probably say I am just running away. Well fine then, I am running. Running to a new future. Maybe I could move on here in the place, but you know what, I don’t want to.
For me it will be easier to start completely over. A new home, a new outlook, new dreams, a new me.
Dreaming has always been my downfall. I had a lot of dreams in this place. A hope. Well those dreams got smashed and that hope is forever gone.
Don’t be mistaken. I still dream, I still have hope. I still have faith. I just need to start the new journey in a new place.
I am essentially trying to find a new happy place. I have a long way to go and I want a happy home place.
I don’t want to mix my old with my new. The new is going to great, I have faith in that. The new could even be better. I just want to be able to find that new.
I have a plan. I will achieve my new goals. I will find my happiness.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
But now I am angry. Really angry. Angry about everything.
I don't know what to do with this anger.
I want it to go away.
Someone please tell me what to do with it.
Don't be mistaken, I am not angry with God. I am just angry about all that I am going to miss.
Anger is annoying.
Anger is controlling.
I want to control it. I want it to go away.
I don't want to be anger all the time.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Kara and Matthew,
I will never understand why God chose to take your sweet baby boy after only 8 short months. I will never understand why Jamesie had to have a brain tumor. I will never understand why you had only 23 final days with him. I will never get the whys of the Lord.
I don’t know why these things happen, but I do know that your journey is a shining example of love and faith. I don’t know why you didn’t get to keep James, but I do know that his life meant something.
Through James people were shown what a life full of love, faith, hope, and courage really is. James fought, you fought for him, and your praised God through this storm.
I will never get the why, but I will continue to pray for y’all. I will never know why, but I will praise the Lord for getting to know James’ story.
If you want to read Jamesie’s story, please do so HERE. Be on your knees for this sweet family. They are going through an unimaginable valley.
Saturday, July 09, 2011
I think it is because this blog is a place to be very open and honest. In my every day I am a pretty private person and I don't really share my feelings or what I am going through.
I am afraid that if my "real" friends/family read this then they will see me differently or even treat me differently. They probably won't but in my head I will feel judged.
Right now I am facing they choice of whether to stay in anonymity or put my blog out there for all to read.
What is the right decision? I really don't know.